Infertility

I hope Jeremy is okay with me writing about this. I feel it could help any men who may be experiencing some of the same feelings.

It has been 9 years and 3 months since we first started trying to conceive a baby and to this day we have not had that particular blessing given to us. Through all of this I have had some incredibly rough times dealing with the anger, heartbreak, sadness, helplessness, and feeling broken. Jeremy has always just been supportive. -I love you Becky no matter what. I'll be just fine if we adopt. I just want kids and lots of them -

Until this past week. He came home from work and cried telling me how badly he wants us to be able to have natural children. He loves Thomas so much, but he also wants to be a birth father. When he told me I felt relief that he finally understood how i'd been feeling for over 9 years. Let me just say I have been obsessed with pregnancy, child birth, and everything that goes along with it. Every time I hear a babys first cry tears come to my eyes and I feel as if my heart will break. (break with joy or sadness or both I don't know), but the miracle of life is so beautiful to me.

Later that same day my feelings changed from relief to feelings of depression. It felt wrong to be Jeremy's wife and to keep him from being able to experience that most beautiful experience of making a child. I felt as though I'd let him down. I felt very broken again. What if I am never able to get pregnant and he never gets to be a birth father.

I guess I need to just have faith that we will work through whatever comes our way. That he chose me as his wife and is still happy with that decision. That he doesn't regret marrying me. Faith that we can endure through and will be that much more blessed for it. And just maybe Heavenly Father will bless us like he did Abraham and Sara with a baby when we are old. If not well that is just part of life and life is short and I'm not going to let anything get in the way of our eternal progression.